Dreams

The past few nights I have had some weird dreams, especially weird since I don't usually remember my dreams. I think the one last night has stuck with me the most, maybe because it is the most realistic to any of my dreams. I kind of wish I didn't have these, but they are what they are.

I dreamed that I woke up being in my sophomore year again. I was me, not sophomore me; I had no ball 'n chain. I was in sophomore hall walking to history when I noticed a girl. She was walking by fast with her friends, so I grabbed her arm. She turned around instantly, I softened my grip. I finally got a full look at her face. It was round with pretty little features; her eyes were blue and hair was curly, long, and a rich brown. Her eyes were open, and probably the most beautiful thing was that she was looking at me the same way as I to her.

My hand was still on her arm when I asked for her name. She told me, and asked mine. We were still in an awestruck and not much was being said, but it was not an awkward silence. A few people walked by and said hello to her. I realized that it was probably time to get to class, so I asked for her phone number. We exchanged followed by another silence. For some reason I went for a kiss, and she let me.

There might have been more, but I can't remember. I think the first moment with her was enough to cast a shadow on the rest of the dream, and my day. I have been thinking about it all day. Blake asked me if I was missing not having a girl friend, and I haven't tell today. I want something flirty and fun. I know flirty and fun burns bright and quick but I want something to get me back on the horse.

Clique

(Please note that this is not a complaint about anyone, I love my friends the way they are.)
Last night was fun, but I realized something. That group wasn't for me. I don't get why anyone talks about sex with their friends. I can understand a friend, one on one, but as a group? It's not like it was awkward, it just didn't seem appropriate (not in the 'you aren't adults, why are you having sex?!?' way.) The group was just a little loud for me over all. I had a great time still, don't get me wrong. At work it's about drugs and hooch, and that's not for me. Not only do I think it's retarded to use them, but it's nothing I can relate to. They don't appreciate anything real and beautiful.
I guess that would be my more liberal friends, so what about my conservative friends? Ugh, they drive me nuts. I hate youth groups because if you bring up the slightest word about any of that it feels like they are going to shun you. They all seem naive to who you really are. I am not a loud person, more of a quite person, but I am not someone who I am not.
I could go on with all the groups, but really I don't fit in any clique. I am my own clique and it never seems like more than one person at a time can be in it with me. I feel like I'm not really part of anything... but never alone. There is always someone to be with, or at least talk to. The little planet of Scott's Clique is spinning fast, with a sign saying "Population: 2 (sometimes less)".

Truth or Dare?

What is the question you would be most afraid to answer?
If you are to big of a pansy to answer it, then;
What's the longest you have gone with out a shower?

A couple thoughts...

Why would anyone drink, smoke pot, or curse? When you are wasted, you act stupid; When you are high, you look dumb; When you curse, you sound illiterate. It seems like there is better things to do then waste hard earned money on not being oneself. Maybe I'm just naive, but I don't have time for any of that.

On the band buss Friday, I could see it in her eyes. There was a spark that I thought was lost when Nick came back in the picture. When I asked her to come skip, she would feel guilty. She said it was because she had to present, but I really don't believe that. Nick neglects her when ever I see them, and I'm wondering if she regrets it. Please don't make a big deal out of this thought.

Speaking of neglect, my bro is the master right now. He is driving me crazy, and really making quite an ass of himself. When ever he is around Ashley, he is a completely different person. He is the "perfect" christian... and so is she. It makes me sick to be around them.

One last thought; Women can be bitches. My mom was upset for two days straight, and would not talk to any of us. I imagine it might have been for a few reasons. First is that work has slowed down for her, and she is trying to find seasonal work. Second, we are having some crazy amount of people coming over for thanksgiving and she decided it is time to repaint part of the house. Third, our roof is leaking. We so far have spent over $1000 on it, and it still hasn't fixed it; We might have to re-shingle our roof, which is around $4000. Fourth reason, she might feel like she is not needed with her boys all grown up. Whatever the reason is, I am glad she decided to not talk to us for a couple days then start drinking again.

Feminism <,=,> Manhood?

I'm tired of all this feminist crap. Maybe it's because I don't get it or maybe it's because I don't see it. When a women is viewed as a tramp, toy, object, sex idol, ect., it is HER fault. She gives people the reasons to view her like that, and she probably likes the attention anyways.

And not every guy likes a slut, it's actually quite the opposite. A real man likes a woman that can take care of him. One that is strong and smart. Men strive (for some reason) to be less independent. Men really don't wear the pants in the house, women only let them think that. (I'm not sure if you read my blog Christine -actually I'm not really sure who does- but that's for you.)

Lets look at another side of this, one that actually seems to be getting more attention at the moment. What the hell does it mean to be a man? Does it mean to be responsible or take responsibility for your actions? Does it mean to be selfless, or selfish? I've heard it's purely an age thing, but when is that age?

I look at the people around me, and I can tell if they are a man or not and if they think they are. My peers aren't modest about it, but they wont admit they think they are men. My brother thinks he has everything worked out, but even I know he has a lot of growing up to do yet. Jim (Jon's brother) is engaged, but honestly his views are to narrow to actually see what is really going on. My dad... is married, responsible, and a father.

I'm starting to think being a man is all about your titles, and how well you fulfill them. You start out by being a son, then a lover, move to being an employee, a citizen, then a husband, next comes fatherhood, and last is a grandparent. I think being a man is how well you fulfill each of the stages in your life, and maintaining all the relationships each stage brings you tell that stage has fully passed.

A little upset

Last Wednesday I knew it wasn't going to work. I knew that her heart was somewhere else, but yet I made the mistake of talking her out of it. She wanted to keep going, but I guess she had someone else on her mind still. She went for Nick. Not only does it hurt because they already broke up, or that she's going back because it's the "safe", or that I got runner up to an asshole, but it was pretty much instant. It wasn't even two days after hers and mine talk that they started going out.
I feel used, and I'm rather angry about that. I know she's relatively new at the whole thing (really only one relationship under her belt), but she's a god damn senior, I know that she has a brain. Talk to me first, I might appear fine about the whole thing, but honestly I'm not, I really never was. This was supposed to be something, something different. This was supposed to work.
So what now? I guess I'm back to my dry streak. There are a couple frosh that I'm interested in, but it's wrong. I'm to old for them, legally I can get in trouble. And things would be complicated, I want something uncomplicated (easy, simple, pure).
I keep looking, but she's hiding.

Mistake

How come we know the answer, but we make the God damn mistake?
How come we know we are going to make the mistake?

Wohoo! Well, kind of. Good is good, bad is a bitch. No upwards or downward roller coaster of life for me, it's pretty even.

The bad is that my Birthday is coming up. My last birthday was a bitch to me, it went so horribly wrong. We had family over, and my Mom was wasted. At least Rachel was over, but things didn't work out right with that either. We were going to watch a movie, just her and me, but Jon decided to come crash it. Little awkward with the third person, but Jon really wasn't the problem I guess. I get so angry when my mom drinks, she misses so much of my life. She didn't care when I got my trumpet, didn't meet Rachel while she was sober once, and didn't meet Rachel once (when she was sober). I've honestly lost all respect for her, I have more power over her then she does me. My birthday well be no different, just one more holiday she has missed.

On a brighter side, I've got a girl back in my life. Her name well remain secret right now, so we'll just call her Sette. I guess she feels the same way to me as I do to her. I can't think of someone better for me: She's smart, funny, ambitious. She has her priories, and trust isn't an issue with her. I feel like I can tell her anything, and hopefully vice versa.

The next few months are going to be rough, there is no way avoiding it. Fall is all about the drama, but hopefully it some how smooths its self out.

End of an Era

This past few days have changed how the rest of my life is going to be. I knew it was coming, but it was just sudden, it seemed like it all hit at once.
Ever since I can remember... well, not really. Since about sixth grade, I've almost always had someone to hang out with. Jon, Jim (Jon's older brother), and Cory have always been there. It seemed like most of the time we could hang out as a group, and if not, I could hang out with at least one of them. I guess better things have come around them.
Jim is an amazing guy. His taller than six feet, probably above 200 pounds. He isn't obese, but he's a big guy. Amazing opera singer, low and power full voice. He's a little hot headed, but you get used it, and it makes for good strategy.
He's getting married (hush, not supposed to say anything). I haven't met the laddie, but I bet she's nice. He's also getting more involved in opera, which is good. If he plans on becoming a professional, he need to get in it head on.
Cory got a girl friend (hush). Her name is Ashley, and she's a good one. Perfect for Cory, gives him something to work for. Unfortunately, he doesn't know the balance. He now spends all of his nights talking to her on Aim, lame. The phone is one thing, but choosing Aim over doing something with your bro? Idk, just doesn't add up to me.
Then there is the last member of the clan, Jon. Jon is Jon, and nothing more. Jon is a brilliant guy, can be a little bit of a perfectionist. If Jon is doing something, he'll ignore what's around him. He also tends to take on to many actives to, which stresses him out.
Jon is my best friend, I can predict his every move. He doesn't do a whole bunch to surprise me, which is why I can't depend on him. He's priority's can be screwed up sometimes, and time management isn't his strong point. It's a shame because he is way smart, and if I dare to say... Sarah smart....
My click is falling apart, or already fell apart. Life has caught up two of my members, and the third well soon happen. I'm going to miss staying up till four in the morning playing risk, and the basketball games. I'm going to miss the strategy I could use with this group to plot them against each other, and ignore me. I'm going to miss killing them in Halo, and getting killed in smash brothers. I'm going to miss having guys to hang out. This post is for you three, even though you never read this. Best of luck in life.

Wet Thoughts

I love the hot tub, it's a lot of fun. It's a place I can collect my thoughts, even when I don't know I have them. School is just around the corner, so I guess most of them are about that.


This year is going to be busy, at least compared to what I have had in the past. I have several classes that are going to load me up with homework, and SSE on top of that. I need to get it all planed out soon, and start rehearsals for the quintet. Sam has asked me to get the one with us high schoolers going, and I have a feeling I'm going to be leading that. I might just switch my SSE from doing it with JR high to doing it with the high school.

I started working Tuesday at the Springs. I'm serving tables and all that good stuff. I've been having a good time so far, but I feel like I'm in my brothers shoes. He is one of the local favorites there, and I'm just in his shadow. Hopefully, I'll break free before he quits. He is a lazy worker, but socializes with the residents, and they love him for that. I would rather work hard, and get a lot more accomplished. Maybe that's the big difference between me and him, I'm a harder worker, and he is a better socialist (I don't mean left wing).


Something else I was thinking about when I was wet was relationships. I think being single this long has been a good thing for me. I feel more like myself. I feel more on top of the world, and I feel like I put myself there. I feel more relaxed, more strange. I feel like I'm ready again for something, but I'm not feeling like I need it. I'm defiantly on a high point in my life.

Something I think is helping my on-top-nes is my family life. Things are starting to come back to the way they were (knock on wood). Mom has seemingly stopped drinking. She has blamed her drinking on ADD, at least from what I gathered. She would probably say it made it hard to quit, and taking pills for it has helped. Demons are funny things, you can never look in their eyes. It seems like if you do, you just can't win, so you blame something else. As much as it bothers me that my mom is saying it's not her fault, I'm not going to argue. I'm just glad to see it leave, and hopefully it'll stay that way.


Hopefully all this energy, all this being on top reflects in mannerisms. I hope it reflects n my Jazz, and work. Hopefully this year well be a fun year, I think we all deserve a good one.

Acting my Age

It feels like the past few years I've been faced with some harder situations than what I am used to. I began to question how it has changed me; Do I act older? Do I seem to act like I'm not enjoying something that i should? have I missed out on something?
With out bragging to much, I do feel like I'm more mature than a lot of my class. I feel like My priorities are more mature, and my nature. I don't believe in drinking, or drugs, I have this strange urge to want a child, I can't blow my money away on useless stuff, and I think about the consequence that something might have years ahead. Do I miss out on experience that I should have? We all should make stupid mistakes, right?
I think my biggest fear is that people might see my mature-tie, as a hollow one. I'm afraid they might think I'm just pretending... or worse, I might think I'm pretending.
So I promised myself that my senior year is going to be my "cool year". I want to let loose (flashes chest at camera). I don't want to loose respect from people who like the fact that I am more conservative, but I only get one senior year. I want to be myself, but I want a new me.

Miss You Something Horrid

I'm not sure if it's the lack of girl friend, or the lack of WoW, but I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want to do before I die. I think I've come up with a good list.

First is I want to travel to London. I want to be in some sort of business or something of that nature, so I'm just not some tourist. I want to enjoy the night life, enjoy the coffee, and all the beauty that makes London what it is.

Second is kind of grim. My whole life has been fair, and it makes me wonder what I would do under extreme sadness. The worst that's ever happened to me is a few horrible break ups, but it's all superficial. I want to know who's shoulder I would cry on if someone close to me died, or became seriously ill. I little grim I know, but I figure the sooner the better, while I'm still young.

Third is connected to the second. I want to be called on at three in the morning because someone needs me. Not because a break up, or they got kicked out of the house, but for something real.

Fourth, I want someone to come knock on my window at three in the morning to just be with me.

Fifth, I want something complicated. I want to fall for a beautiful girl in a poor relationship and sweep her off her feet. I want a little mischief, a little drama, but all for the pure innocent reason of love.

Sixth, I want to become respected in a business. I don't want to be a manager, or a boss, but I want the power of respect from fellow coworkers. I want the respect for not only being a good guy, but for also being good at what I do.

Seventh is I want to publish a story.

Eighth, I want kids. I want to be a father, be proud of my children. I want to teach them how to be good people.

Ninth, I'm tired of good guys finishing last. I want to finish first.

Tenth, this one might be old, but I still feel it. I want to be-friend Becca again. She was a really neat and beautiful person, and it saddens me that her and I don't talk. She was such a big part of my life that it just kills me that we never really said good bye.

I know this list is a little selfish, but that's all good. I'm sure most of these things are going to happen. I'm still really young, and I have a lot more life ahead of me.

Saturday

I'll never forget today, most importantly the last 20 minutes. I wont forget the gray sky, the cold wind, the dirt. I wont forget the how soft it was, especially with the cold rain starting to sprinkle. I wont forget the white, coffin shape box where he laid, and how Cory carefully laid it in it's resting place. I wont forget the strong bitter smell of alcohol as I hold my crying mother. And as he was laid, as dad started to fill in the grave with his "I got to do what I got to do attitude," everything made sense. With this raw feeling of sadness, I could see everything clear. I could see how everyone coped with it.
Share a story, say your sorry, but don't tell me he's in a better place. I'm not sure if I believe in heaven and hell, I'm not quite sure why he died, but I'm at peace with it all.
Rest in peace Boris, I'm sure going to miss you.

Tom Petty

I have gotten into a Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers mood lately. I could go on and on (ok, maybe only a little bit... very little bit) on how good they are, but they are! The music video is a little morbid, but the song is really good.

Poet

I often times pretend that I'm good with words, but really I'm not. I wish I could be a poet and make words dance. I would love to be able to evoke emotion, just not express it. The ideas often boil up in me, I just don't know how to make them work.

Invisible

I step out,
Watch you take the bottle and take a drink,
I watch you place it under the sink, like no one sees you.
I walk to the sink,
You move out of the way,
I take the bottle and watch the bitch squirm through the neck into the drain.
My only hope is for you to see me,
But I'm Invisible.

I leave the god damn room,
Mutter some words,
Knowing all to well that none of this means anything,
It's all Invisible.

You think that you are Invisible,
And it makes me mad that you are,
It pisses me off that no one does anything,
All that goes on is talking and drinking in this home,
And all of it's Invisible.

Angry Bob was angry. Angry Bob lived most of his life angry. He was tall, strong, and angry. Angry Bob did not like day care growing up, or riding his bike. He wasn’t a fan of sports, mostly because he sucked, and that made him angry. Angry Bob wasn’t fond of police, fire department, or the politicians, because the only thing they did was take money from his pay check.

In fact, Angry Bob didn’t like much. He disliked several things that he didn’t know for reasons he didn’t understand. Angry Bob was even angry at being angry all the time. He hated all the enemies he made because he was a jerk to them and all the counselors that would chastise him because he wouldn’t listen to them. Angry Bob didn’t think clear when he was angry. There for; Angry Bob didn’t think clearly.

Angry Bob was thirty, single, and was working a dead end job. His job was to place the right back wheel on the tricycle, screw the bolt on the right rear wheel, turn the tricycle around, place the left rear wheel on, bolt the left rear wheel on, and place the tricycle on the hook that carried them for start to the end. Angry Bob didn’t know where the tricycles started, or ended, but didn’t really care.

One day, Angry Bob was happy, at least for maybe a moment. A beautiful girl came up to him. She walked to him taking every step like she was on the red carpet. Swaying her hips just a little and letting the light make her blonde hair glow as her step gave it the bounce. Angry Bob thought that her hair reminded him of something sweet. He thought she was sexy, and she was. She said “Bob, you’re cute. I want you, but first you buy me dinner.”

Angry Bob thought for a second, and then decided to do something different. He replied with the simple “Okay.”

That night, Angry Bob got ready. Angry Bob took a shower, shaved his face, and put on a nice suit. Angry Bob looked good. He went into the car, and drove off. His date would be waiting for him at the nicest restaurant in town. The thought of his date made Angry Bob smile.

It was dusk, in the summer time. The flowers were still in bloom. Angry Bob noticed this, and thought that it would be a good idea to pick some for his date. He stopped at the side of the road where he saw some good flowers ready for the picking. He plucked a two half dozens of the nicest flowers he found.

For the first time in Angry Bob’s life, he wasn’t angry. Angry Bob was happy, you might even say Happy Bob, not that it’s going to last though. Angry/Happy Bob noticed a butterfly coming his way. He thought “What a pretty butterfly, which makes me happy.”

The butterfly landed on him.

What Angry Bob didn’t realize was that it was a rare Zanzibar Exploding Butterfly, with a suicidal personality. It arrived to Angry Bob’s town in a crate full of illegal Zanzibar turtles.

It blew up.

• I would like to thank Stephan Pastis, the author of Pearls Before Swine. I borrowed the idea of Angry Bob from this comic strip, and made him my own.

cookies

So the this past week I went to a Blazers game, got sick, missed several days of school, had solo contest, broke the ice with someone, and the only thing I have to say is damn girl scout cookies. They are so good (mine are better) I can't stop eating them.

The long road

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking. I've been trying to figure it out. Relationships are so confusing, but only for the people who are involved. How come outside parties see things so clearly when when you are inside, everything is clouded?

Things with Rachel are awkward. I can't stand her. It makes me mad that she sits in front of me in math. I get pissed off when ever I look at her. She was a royal bitch to me. She used me, mislead me, and betrayed me. I wish I could get over what happened, but it still haunts my mind. I still have to keep busy from to keep the ghosts away. I wish she would say something to me. I wish that she would apologize, but I probably wouldn't believe it if she did. Maybe that's why she hasn't, because she knows it wouldn't matter and probably just make me mad. Or maybe that's just giving her to much credit and she is still blind.

So, I guess that leads to the next subject. For the first time, in a long time, I'm single. It's weird. My girlfriend is usually my best friend. Most of my time would have been spent with her, especially with the nice weather coming up. It's wrong that I feel like without a girlfriend, I'm missing something in my life, but I do. Maybe this time should be used for figuring out how to live with out the other.

Family relationships suck, and I think it's time to let this problem out. I have said bits and peaces here in there, but the full story doesn't come out very much. It's changed my home.
It started Freshmen year. Mom got really lazy, irritable, sleeping all the time, and sick. She would wake up, go in the bathroom, and would throw up. She went to the doctor (one of many visits) and she came back with telling us it was menopause. We took her word.

So it was about of year of this when I got back from Disneyland. Cory left to Africa a month or two before. I remember this very vividly. I remember I was still unpacking and I had some garbage I need to throw away. I left my room and found dad was leaving Cory's room. He had three empty bottles of wine in his hands. My first thought was Cory, but I opened my mouth and dad told me that it was mom's.

Dad told me not to say anything to her, that he would do all the talking to her. I did as he said, and now I regret it. She said she would stop, that she didn't need help. Ha.

I remember coming home from shopping with Rachel to find mom passed out on the couch.

I remember the reason why I got my permit.

I hate how warren out the recliner feels.

I remember several times not wanting to come home.

Even though I despise her, I still wish Rachel met my sober mom.

I remember when Mom gave me a ride home from jazz over the summer and I found a glass. When we left the car, I took it in. I remember the the piercing sent of alcohol still luring in the cup.

I can't remember the last sober holiday she has had.

I think out of all things, there was one month that was horrid. I don't think I'll ever forget or forgive September of 08. It was a week before my birthday when I caught her red handed. Mom and Dad gave up their room for the Grandparents and they were sleeping in the camper. I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed when I heard something. I went to the pool room and saw that the blinds were closed, no one ever closes them. I snuck to the door, and just went for it. I undid the deadbolt as fast as I could and swung the door open. There was mom, drinking. She hid a bottle under the deck. I took it from her. I opened the blinds, and talked to Cory. He was watching South Park. I told him what just happened and he needed to go look under the deck for the rest of the bottles. I went to bed, or tried. I had a feeling that I should get up and check on things, and you would never guess what, the blinds were shut again. I booked it for the door.

Mom must have heard me, because when I got out, she was running to the camper. She had a safe way grocery bag in her hand. I was pissed off beyond believe. I really don't remember what was said, but she was mad that she had to empty them. She took a bottle, opened it, and pored it on the gravel. I took the bag, went inside, locked the door, opened the blinds, and threw the bag on Cory. I told him to empty them. I headed for my room. It couldn't have been longer then five minutes when I heard a knock on my door. Mom wanted my forgiveness. I told her to go away.

Even if I pretended that I forgave her, she wasn't sober enough to remember. It was 11 when it was all done with, and twelve before my eyes gave in to what they were doing and rested.

Not that it was a big deal, but she wasn't sober on my birthday either in that September.
It's screwed up when the youngest child in the family has to deal with his drinking Mom. I don't think anyone is ready for it, but most definitely not the youngest. I sat down with the family a few times, and had a talk. How the hell I found the courage, I don't know. Dad talks all the time about what needs to be done in the car, but nothing ever happens. She still drinks. I know when she isn't sober, but I'm never sure when she is.



(If there are any grammar or spelling errors, let me know. Tell me over aim, not in comments. And please, don't get to picky.)

One potato, two potato, three potato, four.

I think it's time for someone special to walk into my life. I want something simple and light.
I want kisses on the cheek, and cookies for no good reason. I want to sip hot chocolate on the cold days, and go hot tubing on the wet ones. I want to be able to talk on the phone for hours about nothing good. I want a girl that will make me work just that much harder to get what I want in life. I want a best friend to show up to the basketball games to just hang out. I want my friends to like her, and me to like her friends. Family's must get along. Smart, pretty, witty, playful, the works.
But, I'm doubtful that that well come along for a while. I have a feeling I'm going to be joining the single club. Time for a job, car, money, new clothes, ect.